I was only three years old when my father died, so my memory of losing him so unexpectedly is clouded at best, Still, I am certain that any shock and bewilderment I had were miniscule compared to what my mother experienced, especially in those confusing and overwhelming first days. There is probably nothing most of us will ever do that is more difficult than adjusting to the loss of a spouse. And especially for women whose husbands were the principal earners for the family, bereavement can be frightening and almost paralyzing.
However, as the proverb reminds us, the longest journey begins with a single step. And in the early days following the loss of a spouse, there are steps that the newly widowed can and should take as they begin the process of moving toward a new phase of life. What follows is a checklist that can be used to guide those early, first steps.
In the First Week
- Check your spouse’s driver’s license to verify organ donor status and follow any advanced healthcare directive, such as a living will or healthcare proxy, that your spouse had in place. You should feel free to ask whatever medical coordinator you are working with, such as the hospital, nursing home, or hospice, to guide you through the process. Call the nearest hospital if your spouse died at home. There typically is no cost for the service, and knowledgeable staff can answer your questions about next steps.
- The hospital, nursing home, or hospice will ask which funeral home you would like to use. They will arrange to transport your spouse’s body from the hospital. I do not recommend going directly to the funeral home. As I will say more than once, at this point, you should avoid making any important decisions, especially involving spending, because you are probably still in shock to some degree. In other words, avoid putting yourself in a position to make decisions while you are potentially confused, anxious, or otherwise in a highly emotional state. Instead, take time to gather your thoughts and consult with a trusted friend or family member.
- Contact immediate family members and close friends, or have a trusted person make the contacts on your behalf. In these early hours, it is important to surround yourself with others who can share your grief and provide mutual support.
- Contact your spouse’s employer (if applicable) to advise them of the death. Arrange for a time to have a friend or family member pick up your spouse’s personal effects from the workplace.
- Contact your employer (if applicable) to arrange for bereavement leave. If you have school-age children, you should also contact the school to arrange for their excused absence at least until after the funeral service.
- By this time, you may be ready to contact the funeral home and begin making arrangements for the service and other matters. It may be helpful to have a trusted friend or family member accompany you. Take note of any specific instructions or wishes your spouse may have left. Once again, because of your emotional state, it is a good idea to take a trusted friend or family member with you when you go to make these arrangements.
- Recruit someone to keep track of cards, phone calls, and other incoming communications. You may want to have your email forwarded for a period of time, so that someone else can handle the many incoming expressions of sympathy on your behalf. Ask friends or family members to assist with shopping, food preparation, and other daily tasks. For many of them, helping you in this way will assist with their own grieving processes.
- Get a notebook and begin writing down important names and phone numbers, including those for banks, insurance companies, investment accounts, your spouse’s employer (or the employer’s human resource manager, if applicable), your attorney (if applicable), clergy or other spiritual advisors, and others. If your spouse had IRA accounts or other retirement accounts through an employer (401(k)s, 403(b)s, or 457 plans, for example), you should also note the contact information for the IRA custodian (the company offering the plan) or the human resource office for the employer-sponsored plan. If you are working with an investment advisor, they should be able to assist you with gathering this information.
After the Funeral
- Request copies of your spouse’s death certificate from the funeral home; you should request 12–15 copies that will be used to complete various necessary tasks.
- Contact Social Security—either at the nearest local office or at www.ssa.gov—and inform them of your spouse’s death. If you have dependent children, benefits may be available to them. There may also be benefits available to you as a surviving spouse. Especially if you are a woman who has never worked outside the home, you should inquire about possible spousal benefits.
- Find your spouse’s original will (not a copy). Contact your attorney to arrange for filing the will for probate. Some states require filing within ten days of death; ask your attorney about any such stipulations in your state. If you and your spouse had a trust set up for estate planning purposes, contact your attorney to make an appointment for discussing any necessary actions.
In the Following Weeks
- With the help of your financial advisor or a trusted friend or family member, compile a list of all your monthly bills (mortgage or rent, car payments, utilities, health and life insurance premiums, and any debts that require monthly payments). Next, make a list of the sources and amounts of your monthly income. Establish a routine to help you keep track of and pay your bills.
- File claims for any life insurance policies your spouse owned (some funeral homes will assist with this task). Don’t forget about policies that may have been connected with your spouse’s employment.
- If you and your spouse had a joint banking account, leave it open for a year. If your attorney has advised you to open a special account for your spouse’s estate, you may do that at this time.
Taking Care of Yourself
These are by no means all the matters you will need to attend to following the death of a spouse, but they are the most important tasks to carry you through the earliest days of widowhood. And included in all the foregoing information, you should also make time to care for yourself: reflection, meditation, prayer (if you are a religious person), and quiet conversations with friends and trusted advisors are all important components of this self-care.
At Mathis Wealth Management, we have the experience and expertise to help guide our clients, even during times of great emotional stress. To learn more, please visit our website and read our article, “Preparing for a Spouse’s Death: It’s More Than Making a Will.”
